My Testimony of abuse, trauma, blaming God, hating God, running away from God and running back into the arms of Jesus Christ.
I’m a woman who loves the Lord as best I can with the broken heart that I have.
You see, satan did his best to destroy me for 34 years, nearly killing me multiple times. But we all know that Jesus created this earth, and satan is just a part of that creation under the authority of Heaven.
Nothing the devil does is wasted in the kingdom of God.
It’s a messy story of abuse, hate, sin, rebellion and a beautiful Savior chasing after His lost torn-up daughter. Because she was never meant to live a life for evil.
* Take deep breaths as you read this. It’s a story that’s dark and messy. I don’t want it to hurt your heart or mind by reading it. *
I grew up in a loving Christian family that was full of broken people. Trauma from their past led to verbal and emotional abuse daily. I learned to keep quiet, walk on eggshells, and obey whatever they demanded of me. All so that life could feel just a little bit safe.
When I was an infant, little boys in my community started to sexually (and at times physically) abuse me as well. This went on for 8 years, everywhere a child should be safe: church, home, family homes, daycare and school. It finally ended at 8 years old when I became suicidal for the first time in my life. God needed me here longer.
All of this created a set of beliefs in me that I didn’t matter. My needs didn’t matter, my boundaries didn’t matter, my life didn’t matter. What mattered is what the person in front of me wanted in that moment, regardless of my needs.
I became a codependent, people pleaser, bowing down to the desires of the broken hearts in front of me.
This would later trap me in multiple domestic violence relationships with men who not only abused my mind and body, but my faith as well.
After the sexual and physical abuse happened at church from those little boys, I blamed Jesus.
Satan moved and my 6 year old brain believed the lie that Jesus was the source of sexual and physical abuse. And that nothing about church or God was safe for me.
A wall of trauma surrounded my heart and I blocked out every aspect of God including His love for me.
I began to have panic attacks anytime I was in a church, reading scripture, praying (whether in my head or out loud) or worshipping. My faith was weak and shallow. I believed that being a Christian was “the right thing to do and believe”, so I put my head down and kept trying.
I had no relationship with Jesus. I truly hated Him.
When I was 16 years old, I encountered God for the first time at a church retreat. I felt His presence move through my heart with a love I’d never experienced before. Dropping to me knees sobbing, I surrendered my life to Him.
I was now able to connect with God through worship, feeling His presence as I sang.
This would hold true no matter where I was later in life, physically or spiritually. He always used worship to draw me back to Him.
The wall of trauma was still a fortress around my heart, so He was God to me and never Jesus. (I still hated Jesus.) And the panic with scripture and prayer kept my faith shallow. But God had a plan for me to get through and out of this trauma.
When I got to college, the trauma I was carrying from life prevailed and I became an alcoholic. I clung to a group of friends who pulled me further away from God. And as long as I was caffeinated, drunk or distracted with a million to-do’s, I was “fine”.
Half way through I started dating my first boyfriend – a guy who resembled all the men I’d grown up with. He was a narcissist who mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me for 2 years.
The trauma from that domestic violence relationship embedded deeper wounds into my brain and heart that I didn’t deserve boundaries, respect or my faith in God.
After graduation I moved to a new city, where I knew no one, and had a job that caused panic attacks. I was such a mess day in and day out that I became suicidal again, wondering if life was even worth it.
The promises the world had made me for 23 years about worth and joy were fraudulent. I was lost, scared and completely alone.
I began going back to church, trying to find that sense of peace I had at 16. But the trauma from church kept drowning me in panic and anxiety that left me running away from God 2 years later.
I quit my job, packed a backpack and bought a one-way ticket to Asia to “go find myself”. I spent 2 years wandering Asia, New Zealand and Alaska, trying to figure out who I was and what the “right thing to do” in life was.
What I found was that all of my problems lived inside of me. And that I needed help to be free from them.
I wish I could tell you that I moved home, hired a therapist, joined a church and found healing and hope. I didn’t.
Throughout that time, satan had a grip on my heart that was growing deeper and stronger every day. I was getting lost in the dark spiritual side of yoga, with New Age influences from fellow backpackers and lost souls. I hung out with druggies who were also running away from their problems, seeking anything to numb their pain. Many were practicing witchcraft, unaware of the demonic realm they were dancing in.
I was getting further taken by the devil, to a place I never wanted to be in. But God had bigger plans for my life.
I ended up in the hospital with an infection that nearly killed me. It woke me up to the unhealthy behaviors that were wreaking havoc on my physical health. So I quit traveling and moved home, hoping to start taking care of myself better. I wanted so badly to just love myself.
I fulfilled a dream of mine and moved out to Colorado, in hopes of climbing mountains, enjoying nature, and finding peace and balance in my life.
Without the healing of trauma, I rebounded back into unhealthy behaviors with unhealthy people, who continued to hurt me like everyone else had. I once again became an alcoholic and entered into another domestic violence relationship. This time with an atheist. Not only did he mentally, emotionally and sexually abuse me, but He was the pawn satan used to pull me away from God for good.
I became an atheist and everything went dark. I lost the Holy Spirit, and with it, I lost hope, love and real connection to the One true God that was holding me through it all.
Yet again God moved.
All at once, my relationship imploded and my health tanked (reminding me of my time in the hospital 14 months earlier). I needed real help to heal my mind and body.
So I humbled myself and finally hired a nutritionist to help me heal the infections and autoimmune struggles that had been killing me. And I began to listen to wellness podcasts about meditation and mental health to help me with what I thought was anxiety.
The day my boyfriend and I split, my heart moved. I stood in our spare bedroom saying “I know there’s a God, and I’m going to be spiritual!” In an instant, I moved from one demonic trap through my connection to Yahweh, into another demonic trap. And I surrendered my soul to the New Age Occult.
Over the span of 2 years I sold my soul to satan again and again as I dove deeper into the New Age Occult. I got further lost in the dark spiritual side of yoga, creationism and eventually something similar to scientology. This would eventually lead to demon possession, which would lead me back to Jesus.
At the same time, I was devoting my life to mental health. All those wellness podcasts I’d been binging on after our breakup led me to an incredible mental health technique that helps reduce stress and heal trauma. It’s called Emotional Freedom Techniques (also known as EFT or Tapping).
This was the first time in my life, outside of the physical practice of yoga, where I found true peace in my mind and body. I was hooked and used this technique daily to reduce my “anxiety”. I hated my job and wanted to run my own business anyways, so I got certified as a practitioner. I hoped to help other women find peace in their minds and bodies too.
But, I’d still never hired a professional to help me heal mentally and emotionally. I had no idea why I was so broken or that any of the abuse had ever happened.
Within a week or my first training, repressed memories of child abuse surfaced. I spiraled out of control and clung to the only things that had ever helped me: yoga, meditation and EFT.
All of this happened during the pandemic, when the world was spiraling out of control right alongside of me. Within a year I was suicidal for the third time, questioning whether this was worth living.
I dove deeper into the New Age for hope. All those yogis seemed so peaceful and content with their lives. I just wanted to be ok like they were. But satan is always a master deceiver, promising hope where only destruction and despair lives.
I hired a therapist for the first time in my life, and began to heal my mind. Not being alone in my pain was so much bigger of a gift than I ever could have imagined. While she didn’t know how to heal trauma, she helped me understand boundaries, attachment wounds and emotional trauma. And a part of my heart began healing.
I began working with a colleague using EFT to heal from the trauma of abuse. Layers of pain and suffering began melting away from my mind and body. And another part of my heart began healing.
*I love mental health, and it is such a powerful way to heal. But without the Spirit of Christ living inside of you, you can’t find real healing or hope.*
By the summer of 2021, the impending doom of the world had taken it’s toll on my mind and heart. I was desperate for a way out of this global pain and fear, so I clung to the demonic world I was lost in. I began listening to channeled messages prophesying about the glorious future ahead.
Without any background in scripture, I was unaware of how dangerous and demonic this truly was. Satan always uses our brokenness to deceive us.
After a few months of skepticism, my fear and trauma prevailed, and did a meditation where I begged aliens to heal my body. (The shame I still carry as a write this is so strong. How could I ever believe they were real, or that they could heal me?)
At the end of the meditation 2 demons slipped into my body. I was possessed for 3 days, with some of the worst panic attacks of my life. I didn’t understand who I was, who I wasn’t, and how to be free of this awful pain that consumed me.
But God never leaves His lost sheep.
The Spirit that I’d lost 3 years prior had never actually left me. He was hovering beside me the whole time, waiting to stir in my heart yet again for revival.
I humbled myself and asked for help from my parents, who led me to read scripture.
Within the first chapter of Mark, when Jesus is casting out demons, they were gone, and His Holy Spirit filled my heart yet again.
It’s been a wild journey. This life of mine. One filled with heartache and heartbreak, abuse and trauma, deception and possession. From both man and satan. But through it all I’ve learned a few very important truths:
God never leaves His children
God never stops loving His children
God always forgives His children
I hope you don’t have a story like mine, because it has been so painful to live. But I pray you know these truths no matter what your story is. Because God has already saved, redeemed and forgiven you, no matter what.
And He will heal every ounce of pain that you carry, until “His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven”.
Jesus is the ultimate therapist, counselor and healer. Surrender your broken heart to Him daily, and He truly will melt away all the calloused, hard stone until it’s soft, loving flesh.
In the 2 years since surrendering my heart to Jesus fully, I have experienced healing at a rate no therapist or trauma coach could imagine. I have experienced trauma melting away simply by reading and studying the Bible, worshipping with all of my heart and praying continuously to Jesus as my best friend (with all my real emotions unleashed).
I have witnessed the power of my testimony to save faiths and save lives.
And I have witnessed God’s peace flooding my mind and body in ways I never could have imagined.
To say that Jesus saved my life is a statement bigger than I can understand. I am alive in ways I shouldn’t be, and by His grace I am here to tell His story of redemption and love of a sinner.
I’m praying for you ♥
– L aura
